Answer: As long as it takes... And man, this is taking FOREVER!
Yesterday was another long day at home by myself with my two kids, trying hard to not move off the couch... Contractions started picking up around 3 in the afternoon. By the time the kids were in bed, I was having to breath through every one. By midnight I was crying through every one, but they weren't quite close enough to be considered "real" labor. Just more of this prodromal labor Hell. And I had a feeling that if I could just make it until the morning, they would peter out again. And they did.
After a few restless hours of sleep in my rocking chair and then bed, I woke up, welcomed back my morning sickness by greeting my toilet before anyone else, sobbed and told my husband he had to stay home and take care of me.... Then realized how much more I'm going to need him AFTER the baby comes and changed my mind.
The contractions start out as these two rough hands squeezing my sides, just behind my love handles. Enough to make me catch my breath and wait anxiously to see if they will turn into knives as they snake there way around to my front or if they will just squeeze for a minute and release. In "real" labor, every single pair of squeezing hands turns into daggers as it wraps around your belly and then the knives split down your front and tear you in half, playfully twisting and turning in your gut until they slowly release. In prodromal labor? Only every 5th contraction or so is that bad. The rest just make you breath heavy for a minute, like a too tight hug from your body building uncle.
I'm getting a lot of hugs from said fictional uncle this morning. catching my breath, waiting to see if the squeeze will turn into a stab. I know that it will happen, eventually. Soon every single contraction will be daggers instead of squeezes, so I'm off to try and nap during this "down time"
I wish I could honestly say that the fear of the impending "real" labor is somehow worse than the labor itself, but it's just not true. Anyone who tells you differently is suffering from that beautiful biological mechanism that allows us to keep having babies- amnesia.
This time, before I can be effected by the overwhelming cuteness of my new baby and my biological urge to create more of the same, I'm having my fillopian tubes cut, cauterized, removed, tied off... whatever it takes! I can't WAIT! :)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
That moment...
I knew it would come. That moment when I TRULY remembered, like physically remembered, labor.
We were at the hospital again yesterday morning after a rough night full of painful contractions. We arrived around 4 am and I was 1cm dilated. The contractions were worse than they have been through my entire 11 weeks of preterm contraction, so we were admitted to check for progress.
After settling in my room and ordering some food and breathing through some rough contractions, while just shaking off the not so bad ones. THE contraction- the one that made it all come crashing back- hit me like driving into a wall. I did good for the first minute or so, but that's when the panic started. I began to realize that this contraction was NOT going to end. In fact, I was probably going to die of it. I grabbed Matt's hand and started to whimper, "Go away! Go away! Oh my god, why isn't it going away???" Of course it finally subsided, and that's when I freaked out. "No! NO! NO! I remember this now!! I can't DO this again! I don't want another baby! I CHANGED MY MIND!!!" And then I started sobbing.
Well, of course by then it was a little late to back out of the deal. and after about a 45 second complete meltdown, I calmed myself and focused and called my doula to make sure she would be there if this baby actually came right then.
Everything seemed so much more manageable after I talked to her and was reassured that she would come as soon as I called and told her I needed her.
Of course, shortly after that, my contractions also calmed down. I was checked again and only at 2cm after 6+ hours of PAINFUL contractions, and we knew I wasn't going to progress much more since the painful ones were becoming less and less frequent.
So, last night I came home after 12 hours in labor and delivery, and went to bed like nothing had happened. This morning was eerily calm and quiet. Hardly any contractions, and certainly none to write home about. I got myself all showered and braided my hair in case we were heading to L&D again later today. I gathered my nail polish, nail polish remover, tums, lotion, tissues, glass of ice water, frozen bottle of water for later, chapstick, lavender candle, iphone and remote control and made my nest on the couch! And here I have stayed all day. Wondering when it's going to hit again.
I've had a lot of bloody show all day and small contractions. But nothing else is happening. It's weird that 24 hours ago I was SO sure the baby was on her (or his) way out. It's almost surreal to be sitting here typing on my laptop, as pregnant as ever, when I was in labor yesterday...
I learned yesterday that if I go into hard labor any time before 34 weeks, they have to try and stall it with magnesium and get in two doses of steroids to mature the baby's lungs. From what I hear magnesium makes you feel like DEATH. The doctors say, "flu-like" the moms I've talked to say, "Shaking and vomiting uncontrollably until you're begging for a gun..." yay.
I will be 34 weeks on Wednesday, so here's hoping, if I stay in my little couch nest and don't move or sneeze or do ANYTHING else, I can not go back into labor again until after Wednesday!!!
On a side note- My laptop has been broken up until last week, and I've come to realize that using only my iPhone for typing has made me careless and sloppy. I'm so used to it capitalizing and "punctualizing" and correcting my spelling, that I am using the backspace key on my keyboard more than I ever have!
We were at the hospital again yesterday morning after a rough night full of painful contractions. We arrived around 4 am and I was 1cm dilated. The contractions were worse than they have been through my entire 11 weeks of preterm contraction, so we were admitted to check for progress.
After settling in my room and ordering some food and breathing through some rough contractions, while just shaking off the not so bad ones. THE contraction- the one that made it all come crashing back- hit me like driving into a wall. I did good for the first minute or so, but that's when the panic started. I began to realize that this contraction was NOT going to end. In fact, I was probably going to die of it. I grabbed Matt's hand and started to whimper, "Go away! Go away! Oh my god, why isn't it going away???" Of course it finally subsided, and that's when I freaked out. "No! NO! NO! I remember this now!! I can't DO this again! I don't want another baby! I CHANGED MY MIND!!!" And then I started sobbing.
Well, of course by then it was a little late to back out of the deal. and after about a 45 second complete meltdown, I calmed myself and focused and called my doula to make sure she would be there if this baby actually came right then.
Everything seemed so much more manageable after I talked to her and was reassured that she would come as soon as I called and told her I needed her.
Of course, shortly after that, my contractions also calmed down. I was checked again and only at 2cm after 6+ hours of PAINFUL contractions, and we knew I wasn't going to progress much more since the painful ones were becoming less and less frequent.
So, last night I came home after 12 hours in labor and delivery, and went to bed like nothing had happened. This morning was eerily calm and quiet. Hardly any contractions, and certainly none to write home about. I got myself all showered and braided my hair in case we were heading to L&D again later today. I gathered my nail polish, nail polish remover, tums, lotion, tissues, glass of ice water, frozen bottle of water for later, chapstick, lavender candle, iphone and remote control and made my nest on the couch! And here I have stayed all day. Wondering when it's going to hit again.
I've had a lot of bloody show all day and small contractions. But nothing else is happening. It's weird that 24 hours ago I was SO sure the baby was on her (or his) way out. It's almost surreal to be sitting here typing on my laptop, as pregnant as ever, when I was in labor yesterday...
I learned yesterday that if I go into hard labor any time before 34 weeks, they have to try and stall it with magnesium and get in two doses of steroids to mature the baby's lungs. From what I hear magnesium makes you feel like DEATH. The doctors say, "flu-like" the moms I've talked to say, "Shaking and vomiting uncontrollably until you're begging for a gun..." yay.
I will be 34 weeks on Wednesday, so here's hoping, if I stay in my little couch nest and don't move or sneeze or do ANYTHING else, I can not go back into labor again until after Wednesday!!!
On a side note- My laptop has been broken up until last week, and I've come to realize that using only my iPhone for typing has made me careless and sloppy. I'm so used to it capitalizing and "punctualizing" and correcting my spelling, that I am using the backspace key on my keyboard more than I ever have!
Friday, July 29, 2011
The joys of Nephedipine
If i HAVE to take the stop labor medication, I try to wait until I'm about to go to sleep because being awake for the side effects is miserable.
Last night my contractions were strong enough to make me stop and breath and becoming too close for comfort, so I took a magnesium and a both and about 15 gallons of water and laid on my left side and prayed to gods that I don't believe in to not make me take that wretched oval yellow pill...
Turns out, gods that I don't believe in are not so keen on granting wishes to crabby, swollen pregnant women who offer nothing in return.
I finally took the Nephedipine and laid down in bed, try to talk myself into being tired before the trembling and heart racing started. No such luck.
I got up and started pacing, laid down on the couch with my husband, got up and paced, laid back down in bed, took another bath, convinced myself that I was in labor but I wouldn't know it because the medicine made me too foggy to think straight, (and then thankfully let my husband convince me that it was just the meds making me have an anxiety attack, not actual labor).
After about 3 hours of carrying on like a lunatic and panicking about every contraction, (despite the fact that I've been having contractions every day on and off for well over two months, and you'd think I'd be used to it by now!), I laid back down in bed and let the husband comfort me into a restless sleep.
Obviously, since the contractions have slowed down this morning, I was NOT in labor last night. SO glad that I didn't show up at the hospital in my over-reactive panic only to be sent home again!
Pregnancy sure makes me into a lunatic.
Last night my contractions were strong enough to make me stop and breath and becoming too close for comfort, so I took a magnesium and a both and about 15 gallons of water and laid on my left side and prayed to gods that I don't believe in to not make me take that wretched oval yellow pill...
Turns out, gods that I don't believe in are not so keen on granting wishes to crabby, swollen pregnant women who offer nothing in return.
I finally took the Nephedipine and laid down in bed, try to talk myself into being tired before the trembling and heart racing started. No such luck.
I got up and started pacing, laid down on the couch with my husband, got up and paced, laid back down in bed, took another bath, convinced myself that I was in labor but I wouldn't know it because the medicine made me too foggy to think straight, (and then thankfully let my husband convince me that it was just the meds making me have an anxiety attack, not actual labor).
After about 3 hours of carrying on like a lunatic and panicking about every contraction, (despite the fact that I've been having contractions every day on and off for well over two months, and you'd think I'd be used to it by now!), I laid back down in bed and let the husband comfort me into a restless sleep.
Obviously, since the contractions have slowed down this morning, I was NOT in labor last night. SO glad that I didn't show up at the hospital in my over-reactive panic only to be sent home again!
Pregnancy sure makes me into a lunatic.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
33 weeks and 1 day!
The first time I went to the high risk OB, my first question was, "Is the doctor a man?" Then I burst into tears when they confirmed my worst fear. For the first 22 1/2 weeks of this pregnancy I was seen by one of two wonderful, nurturing, caring midwives. My appointments would last for 45 minutes while I expounded on all the misery of "morning" sickness, told them about how my other two children were doing, asked about their families, listened to that sweet heart beat and was generally comforted and supported as we planned and prepared for my all natural home birth.
The prematurity team at the university hospital is basically the polar opposite of what I had planned and wanted for my pregnancy. Giant waiting rooms full of giant pregnant women- myself now resentfully included in the crowd- Sterile exam rooms and a 50-something male doctor.
The good news? I've seen a lot of said doctor by now, and he's grown on me. I might even like him. His students are young, cheerful, usually female, and for the most part, the only people that actually participate in the sticking of things up my whoo-ha.
The news from today's appointment? After next week, (as soon as I hit 34 weeks), I no longer have to take those nasty "stop labor" drugs!! After 34 weeks, if baby is still trying to show up, we let her!! (or him)- totally being surprised this time!! Any guesses what we are having? Because everyone and their mother seems to know FOR SURE that I'm having a boy... or a girl.
The prematurity team at the university hospital is basically the polar opposite of what I had planned and wanted for my pregnancy. Giant waiting rooms full of giant pregnant women- myself now resentfully included in the crowd- Sterile exam rooms and a 50-something male doctor.
The good news? I've seen a lot of said doctor by now, and he's grown on me. I might even like him. His students are young, cheerful, usually female, and for the most part, the only people that actually participate in the sticking of things up my whoo-ha.
The news from today's appointment? After next week, (as soon as I hit 34 weeks), I no longer have to take those nasty "stop labor" drugs!! After 34 weeks, if baby is still trying to show up, we let her!! (or him)- totally being surprised this time!! Any guesses what we are having? Because everyone and their mother seems to know FOR SURE that I'm having a boy... or a girl.
A Brief History
January 2nd 2011 I walked to the drug store with my husband to buy a new chew toy for my grandad. That's right. My grandad used chew toys. He had Alzheimer's, may he rest in peace. On impulse I bought a pregnancy test.
Being a long time pregnancy hypochondriac, this was not an altogether rare occurrence for me. In fact, just about every month when my boobs get sore and my hormones start raging, I mentally categorize every time that we have had sex in the last 28 days and if/when he pulled out and convince myself that it's possible that some little seed has implanted itself in my womb. For the most part, though, I manage to talk myself into waiting until I'm "late" (which I never am), before wasting our hard earned money on a stick to urinate on... Not this time. This time I was due to see red in two days time, but I decided I just HAD to know right then.
Well, you can all guess how this story ends- BFP! (Big F***ing Positive... Or maybe Big Fat Positive. I'm not really sure, but BFP is what they call it on all my online preggo forums).
This is not my first time at the rodeo- well, technically, if I were at a rodeo, it would be my first time. I'm not a huge proponent of animal cruelty... But that's another blog for another day- What I mean is I've been pregnant before. And even before I was pregnant the first time, I was a mom. I have an adopted 9 year old and a biological 4 year old. (And I feel compelled to tell you that custody battles, homestudies, supervised visits, lawyers fees, stress and waiting for that day in court to be legally pronounced a mother is definitely the easier way to go!)
My last pregnancy was not a fun experience, but I convinced myself that it was due to stress and working and all kinds of other fun things happening in my life at that time. This time was going to be different! I am a stay at home mom. I am a warrior! I am going to enjoy this experience. My last and best pregnancy!
Two weeks after the BFP, I started puking. Two weeks after that I realized that I was NEVER going to stop throwing up. I woke up in the morning and ran to the bathroom wretching. I made breakfast for my kids and stopped twice to dry heave, seeing as how there was nothing left to be spewed into my toilet. I ate a few small bites of anything that looked like it might stay down, and then promptly threw that up. I spent the first 20 weeks of this pregnancy taking anti-nausea meds, (that are really just "anti-the-ability-to-puke-and-feel-better-but-still-be-nauseated-at-all-times" meds), and throwing up, and force feeding myself protien, (bye bye vegetarianism), and moaning and begging for it all to end- That's right I'm a baby. But if you have ever cracked a rib from puking so violently, or dislocated a shoulder whilst trying to pull your ravaged body off the bathroom floor you might beg to be put out of your misery too.
As my twenty four hour, seven day a week sickness finally began to ease up, my sweet little parasite started to beg my forgiveness by allowing me to feel some small kicks and thumps and rolls and eventually acrobatics! And that's about the time I started having contractions regularly. And instead of begging for it all to end, I began to beg the universe to let it STAY!
Magnesium, Nephedipine, prgesterone, labor and delivery trips, switching from my home birth midwife to a team of prematurity specialists at the University Hospital, partial bedrest and and general stubbornness have gotten us from 22 weeks to 33 weeks.
The Buddhas that came to help my grandad's spirit move on from this life told me that my baby will be here in about 2-3 weeks, and I believe them! I guess we'll see soon enough!
Being a long time pregnancy hypochondriac, this was not an altogether rare occurrence for me. In fact, just about every month when my boobs get sore and my hormones start raging, I mentally categorize every time that we have had sex in the last 28 days and if/when he pulled out and convince myself that it's possible that some little seed has implanted itself in my womb. For the most part, though, I manage to talk myself into waiting until I'm "late" (which I never am), before wasting our hard earned money on a stick to urinate on... Not this time. This time I was due to see red in two days time, but I decided I just HAD to know right then.
Well, you can all guess how this story ends- BFP! (Big F***ing Positive... Or maybe Big Fat Positive. I'm not really sure, but BFP is what they call it on all my online preggo forums).
This is not my first time at the rodeo- well, technically, if I were at a rodeo, it would be my first time. I'm not a huge proponent of animal cruelty... But that's another blog for another day- What I mean is I've been pregnant before. And even before I was pregnant the first time, I was a mom. I have an adopted 9 year old and a biological 4 year old. (And I feel compelled to tell you that custody battles, homestudies, supervised visits, lawyers fees, stress and waiting for that day in court to be legally pronounced a mother is definitely the easier way to go!)
My last pregnancy was not a fun experience, but I convinced myself that it was due to stress and working and all kinds of other fun things happening in my life at that time. This time was going to be different! I am a stay at home mom. I am a warrior! I am going to enjoy this experience. My last and best pregnancy!
Two weeks after the BFP, I started puking. Two weeks after that I realized that I was NEVER going to stop throwing up. I woke up in the morning and ran to the bathroom wretching. I made breakfast for my kids and stopped twice to dry heave, seeing as how there was nothing left to be spewed into my toilet. I ate a few small bites of anything that looked like it might stay down, and then promptly threw that up. I spent the first 20 weeks of this pregnancy taking anti-nausea meds, (that are really just "anti-the-ability-to-puke-and-feel-better-but-still-be-nauseated-at-all-times" meds), and throwing up, and force feeding myself protien, (bye bye vegetarianism), and moaning and begging for it all to end- That's right I'm a baby. But if you have ever cracked a rib from puking so violently, or dislocated a shoulder whilst trying to pull your ravaged body off the bathroom floor you might beg to be put out of your misery too.
As my twenty four hour, seven day a week sickness finally began to ease up, my sweet little parasite started to beg my forgiveness by allowing me to feel some small kicks and thumps and rolls and eventually acrobatics! And that's about the time I started having contractions regularly. And instead of begging for it all to end, I began to beg the universe to let it STAY!
Magnesium, Nephedipine, prgesterone, labor and delivery trips, switching from my home birth midwife to a team of prematurity specialists at the University Hospital, partial bedrest and and general stubbornness have gotten us from 22 weeks to 33 weeks.
The Buddhas that came to help my grandad's spirit move on from this life told me that my baby will be here in about 2-3 weeks, and I believe them! I guess we'll see soon enough!
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