That moment...

I knew it would come. That moment when I TRULY remembered, like physically remembered, labor.

We were at the hospital again yesterday morning after a rough night full of painful contractions. We arrived around 4 am and I was 1cm dilated. The contractions were worse than they have been through my entire 11 weeks of preterm contraction, so we were admitted to check for progress.

After settling in my room and ordering some food and breathing through some rough contractions, while just shaking off the not so bad ones. THE contraction- the one that made it all come crashing back- hit me like driving into a wall. I did good for the first minute or so, but that's when the panic started. I began to realize that this contraction was NOT going to end. In fact, I was probably going to die of it. I grabbed Matt's hand and started to whimper, "Go away! Go away! Oh my god, why isn't it going away???" Of course it finally subsided, and that's when I freaked out. "No! NO! NO! I remember this now!! I can't DO this again! I don't want another baby! I CHANGED MY MIND!!!" And then I started sobbing.

Well, of course by then it was a little late to back out of the deal. and after about a 45 second complete meltdown, I calmed myself and focused and called my doula to make sure she would be there if this baby actually came right then.

Everything seemed so much more manageable after I talked to her and was reassured that she would come as soon as I called and told her I needed her.

Of course, shortly after that, my contractions also calmed down. I was checked again and only at 2cm after 6+ hours of PAINFUL contractions, and we knew I wasn't going to progress much more since the painful ones were becoming less and less frequent.

So, last night I came home after 12 hours in labor and delivery, and went to bed like nothing had happened. This morning was eerily calm and quiet. Hardly any contractions, and certainly none to write  home about. I got myself all showered and braided my hair in case we were heading to L&D again later today. I gathered my nail polish, nail polish remover, tums, lotion, tissues, glass of ice water, frozen bottle of water for later, chapstick, lavender candle, iphone and remote control and made my nest on the couch! And here I have stayed all day. Wondering when it's going to hit again.

I've had a lot of bloody show all day and small contractions. But nothing else is happening. It's weird that 24 hours ago I was SO sure the baby was on her (or his) way out. It's almost surreal to be sitting here typing on my laptop, as pregnant as ever, when I was in labor yesterday...

I learned yesterday that if I go into hard labor any time before 34 weeks, they have to try and stall it with magnesium and get in two doses of steroids to mature the baby's lungs. From what I hear magnesium makes you feel like DEATH. The doctors say, "flu-like" the moms I've talked to say, "Shaking and vomiting uncontrollably until you're begging for a gun..." yay.

I will be 34 weeks on Wednesday, so here's hoping, if I stay in my little couch nest and don't move or sneeze or do ANYTHING else, I can not go back into labor again until after Wednesday!!!

On a side note- My laptop has been broken up until last week, and I've come to realize that using only my iPhone for typing has made me careless and sloppy. I'm so used to it capitalizing and "punctualizing" and correcting my spelling, that I am using the backspace key on my keyboard more than I ever have!